Men, Women, and Tragedy

The dust has settled.

It has been awhile since the last misogynistic killing spree, at least in terms of the mainstream consciousness. Violence against women exists everywhere and in myriad forms, which is supported only by an extreme and ostracized minority. I want to focus on the underlying issue between MRAs and Feminists when it comes to the role of each sex in society and the domestic tension regarding youth relationships.

It is my belief that fundamentally, men and women have always had differing views on the issue of sex due simply to the engineering of our bodies reproductively speaking. To be blunt, men reproduce as a side effect of experiencing pleasure, and women experience pleasure as a side effect of reproduction. If you take a man and a woman out of the context of a stabilized society with the technology of contraception sex is more of a risk for the female. It is only by introducing factors like the birth control pill or condom that we can bring sexual equality between men and women further from their root form and closer to a synthesized middle ground. It is no coincidence in my mind that the primary methods of contraception used play into both of these. Condoms mitigate a man's pleasure and the pill mitigates a woman's reproduction.

Armed with that idea we can safely say that the concept of mutually beneficial sex is not only possible, but preferable. Nature affords this on an irregular basis in and of itself. You CAN get pregnant pretty much any time you have sex, but you won't always. We avoid teaching this fact because the absence of repercussions can encourage risky behavior that we want to dissuade, and the topic of sexuality is most often relegated to youth issues. Not many people feel as though grown adults need comprehensive sex education despite the fact that clearly individuals are falling through the cracks. By circling around to the point of the irregularity ( but inevitability, barring medical conditions ) of sex we can see that contraceptives aren't actively working against nature. Rather, contraceptives are an artificial way of creating a scenario that is already naturally occurring, which is ideal. It's only the fact that we need to use tools to rig the game in our favor that causes the experience to be something less than its naturally occurring form - much the same way that you can engineer a relationship that somehow pales in comparison to a spontaneous one.

What does reproduction have to do with MRAs and Feminists?

Speaking from the perspective of a man, I can sympathize to some degree with young men who are feeling neglected or bitter. There were times when I was younger that I felt much the same way, due to my own overwhelming ignorance of female sexuality. The idea that women choose the "asshole" instead of the "nice guy" used to grate on me the same way it grates on many young men, sometimes disastrously. My ignorance didn't stem from a place of willfulness or hatred, I just simply didn't know. In that desert of self-doubt and anger I remember an important moment, an oasis of knowledge.

It was simple, almost silly really looking back on it. I was in a math class and somehow we'd gotten onto the topic of men and women, though as a teenager it was really more a conversation of boys and girls. At one point I lamented the fact that women didn't seem interested in guy's that would actually take care of them. My teacher told me I was wrong, that eventually women would come around to what they really wanted. That was a typical thing that an adult would say and was less impacting than what one woman in the class said. Despite her being our peer age-wise, she spoke confidently on the subject with rare maturity. She said with a matter-of-fact attitude that she didn't care about guys who showed off and that she wanted to find someone who could help her as a partner.

At that time, what I had just experienced went over my head. It wasn't until well later that I had an epiphany, one that took that puzzle piece from my memory and put it all together. The issue of "nice guys" and "assholes" isn't a sexuality issue, it's a maturity issue! Immature women want immature men, and bitter "nice guys" aren't really mature men, they're actually even more immature than assholes. A mature woman wants a man that will care for her, care for her children, and help her grow as a person in the journey of life. An immature woman wants a guy that shows off, one that is full of bravado, one that is almost a bully of sorts. The man she is after needs to be on or above her level in the general totem pole, and has to show it. Men by contrast are always trying to prove and upgrade, wanting someone either at their level or above it. This is the nature of choosers vs provers.

A bitter nice guy who can't step up to the plate shows his immaturity by lacking the confidence to engage in the challenges of youthful competition. Either due to inability or unwillingness this individual immaturely criticizes the natural process. Common among these types of men is the fact that although they do not commit to the process of measurement and hierarchy, they retain a sense of expectancy toward women. Just because a boy doesn't acknowledge his place in the totem pole doesn't mean he's about to settle for a girl lower than him on it. This is a volatile combination, as girls will be selecting for people with characteristics the individual doesn't possess. What's more is an even more important point, mature women will be selecting from individuals who have completed this process, not those who have avoided it.

Wait, what does that statement mean?

The difference between a bitter nice guy that feminists complain about and a genuinely nice guy is one of maturity, both sexually and as a person. A genuinely nice guy doesn't expect sex from a woman, but is subtly aware of its potential. Just because if you were placed in a romantic situation with your friend and you would share chemistry doesn't mean that if you aren't romantically involved the friendship is pointless. A true man can at once be aware of a woman's body and be friends with her. This is because the genuine nice guy has healthy self esteem and confidence, and thus doesn't feel the pressing need to inject sex into the relationship. The genuine nice guy is open and aware of sexual opportunity, but doesn't actively seek to make it happen.

The much maligned "nice guy" lacks this self esteem and confidence. For this type of person, measurements of self-worth are made at the expense of women as a whole. By not taking part in the process at the appropriate time ( generally high school ) this individual becomes a bitter, somewhat dangerous and caustic element of adulthood. By avoiding the learning and maturing process this individual has failed to build the foundation that women require. Now, this person has a pressing and invasive need to prove themselves and actively seeks out sexual activity in relationships that otherwise would have been passive. The reason that the alleged "nice guy" hates the friend zone is because it represents a perceived sexually sterile atmosphere where they can't get what they desperately crave. To call this misogynistic is a bit of an understatement, but it's important to understand that this kind of misogyny stems from lack of self-worth and overall self-hatred, not a genuine hatred of women. Though it can turn into a pathological hated toward women as agents or representatives of that failure the fault will always be on that individual, not women.

What can we do?

The good news is that as far as healthy mature people go, not a lot. Despite what a lot of people say the average man and woman are actually pretty good to each other, whether sex is involved or not. The bad news is that for the immature or unhealthy, there aren't any quick fixes. People with low self esteem or confidence need to get professional help. Communities need to ensure common-sense sex education, either from public education or at home. Not only in the rudimentary tools our bodies use to reproduce, but the socio-economic and personal realities of romantic relationships. Not everyone matures at the same rate, so we need to make sure we remain available and committed toward healthy relationships in our personal lives.

Hey you, yes, YOU!

If you are one of those men who is too scared to commit and you're reading this, I want to tell you, don't do anything drastic! You hear it a lot that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You have your whole life ahead of you. Well, all of that stuff is true. Do you know how many of the most successful actors in the world with amazing women had a terrible time with girls when they were younger? Do you know how many of the people you want to emulate are actually shy or bashful in person? The glamorized, polished scenes you see on TV or in the movies are most often well practiced interactions between people who have gotten comfortable with each other. The smooth pickup lines and flawless sex acts are generally the result of practice, and more importantly, fantasy.

Here's my advice, as a man. Go out there and get your ass kicked. Just suck it up and feel comfortable with failure. There's going to be an immature guy who feels like he has to push you around to show he's strong. Fight back, not to win or to hurt anyone, but just to make the test genuine and to defend yourself. Try out for the local sports teams and either score big or get smashed. Take a test and ace it or fail it. I guarantee you you'll immediately start seeing a difference in the way the women around you look at you. Women are choosers, observers, designed to be keenly aware of the social order. If you commit to the process of selection you might be a 1, a 5, or a 10. You're going to attract the attention of 1s, 5s, and 10s respectively.

Set your ego aside with your immature, unproven, absolutely unacceptable expectations and man up. If you're reading this and you're feeling angry or ashamed, good. That means you aren't lost to us yet. You aren't that guy who is so deep in his own egocentric fantasy that he shrugs off all criticisms. Those are the guys who in the world of sexual attraction claim to be undefeated, because they've never actually tried before. Those are the black holes that are going to self-destruct and hurt other people in the process. Don't be like that. Don't look at women like you deserve to pick and choose them just because you want to inflate your ego. Women pick and choose you. That's life, that's reality, and you're better served by embracing it. Give them a reason to choose you. Lose a fight? Go learn some boxing or something, so next time someone tries to mug you and your girlfriend you knock him out. Get tackled? Practice until you're the best, and the cheerleaders can't keep their hands off you. Fail a test? Study until you've got the highest scores and those girls with the glasses are somehow suddenly interested in you.

Don't fake being better. Don't wish you were better. Don't settle for less and develop a grudge against someone. Be better. Respect yourself, and respect women as a result.